Appliance Not

     Would you buy an appliance that wasn’t going to out-live your cat? I’m currently on my third refrigerator in 10 years, and thinking there is something basically wrong with this picture. When I moved out to my little farm in 1980, I brought along my appliances that included an old refrigerator (manual defrost model) and old electric stove that I’d had for about 10 years; both were bought used. Twenty-five years later, when I sold my farm, I left these two appliances in the kitchen as the new owners needed them. They are probably still working. 

     What is wrong with today’s new appliances?  They seem to have joined the designer era, complete with a programmed expiration date and “new and improved” features that have nothing to do with the basic requirements of an appliance; i.e.: refrigerators keep things cold, stoves cook/bake things, washers and dryers do their thing. Of all the appliances commonly found in the home, there is only one we absolutely cannot do without: the refrigerator - the dictator of the appliance cartel.  Over the years, they have become larger, with elaborate features that add to the purchase price and maintenance costs. So, here is the conundrum: why have a huge refrigerator in a small household where the busy occupants rarely sit down to a nice dinner and neglected food items slowly spoil/wilt on shelves and in bins?  In addition, consider the fact that, with today’s fast-paced living, you really don’t have a lot of use for a big, four-burner stove; just a pizza oven, right? And a coffee maker, maybe a toaster and a microwave. These are all little appliances that have a much longer life span than their big brothers (my toaster is at least 35 years old and still works fine). And, you don’t need a dishwasher if you have a pair of hands, a sink and hot water. Washers and dryers are conveniently located at the laundromat where multiple loads can be done simultaneously, freeing up time to shop or read (remember those college years?); so, why spend your hard-earned money on large, expensive appliances with a questionable lifespan. 

     These appliances have been a source of aggravation for me since the last decade where I’ve begrudgingly had to buy new ones. Also, for some curious reason, I’ve acquired the propensity to be a magnet for demonically-possessed appliances. My second refrigerator was particularly ominous. I had a bad feeling about it the minute the service technicians pulled it into the house. They immediately had trouble getting the door fitted properly, resulting in having to do some drilling of holes -Hmmm? After spending an awfully long time installing something that should have been an easy job, they pulled it into place and left. I stood there looking at its squat, gleaming white bulk and had the strange feeling it was looking back at me. It took several evenings of trying to tune out this noisy, squeaking, popping, farting little beast before I could again relax comfortably on my couch and read a book. One evening as I sat reading, I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a light coming from the kitchen area. The door of the refrigerator had opened up on its own and hung there as if it were preparing to speak. The problem appeared to be a loose seal around the door. I had it replaced. One day, I opened the freezer compartment and was greeted with a big square, smiling mouth with long pointy teeth. Evidently the refrigerator hadn’t graduated from “Freezer 101” class and instead presented me with impressive stalactites. But, it wasn’t done with me yet. One morning, I awoken to a strange smell that was reminiscent of melting plastic; a caustic, nauseating and headache-inducing odor that sprang me out of bed in an instant. I followed the odor to the kitchen area where it was the strongest. After sniff-searching, I found the culprit – the refrigerator. It was emitting this odor from under the door area. The service technician could not find anything obvious, so he just left me with my problem.  So much for customer service. I got rid of the refrigerator. My new refrigerator is smaller, compact and still working – how nice. When I walk past it, I make sure to give it a real dirty look – just so it knows who’s boss around here. 

      One of the other demonically-possessed appliances I got rid of was the gas stove. I don’t like gas stoves and, when this one decided to try burning my trailer house down, I got rid of it right away. The problem was with the oven temperature gauge which was difficult to set accurately as it seemed to have too much play in it, so I kept an oven thermometer in place to regulate the temperature. This worked just fine for me until one day when I was preparing to bake a corn bread. I pre-heated the oven to 425-degrees, placed the corn bread in to bake, and busied myself at the sink. After 20 minutes I checked the oven and found the temperature was up to 450 degrees, so I turned the oven gauge down to 400 degrees, and continued baking for another five minutes. When I checked the corn bread again, the oven thermometer was up to 500 degrees (?). I turned off the oven and took out the corn bread, and continued working at the sink. Then I noticed the oven appeared to still be on – Hmmm? I looked inside and found the oven thermometer was up to 600 degrees!!?  The dial must have broken and bounced the temperature setting to the highest degree! PANIC ALERT!  My oven was heating up dangerously and I was in a very flammable trailer house. I immediately called the gas company and fire department, emphasizing the fact that my trailer house could catch fire at any minute (they do this - like a matchstick). The fire department dispatcher was adamant: “Ma’am, you need to get out of that house immediately”. Good idea! I stuffed my cat inside the pet taxi, grabbed my purse, cellphone and some clothes and threw everything inside the car; then moved the car to a safer spot, and anxiously waited for help. It took only ten minutes before everyone showed up: two siren-blaring fire trucks that alerted the entire trailer court, lots of gregarious volunteer firemen in pick-up trucks, and a gas company technician who quickly turned off the gas.  That was a close call. The next day I had some friends take the stove away. I was not going to get another one. I still had a coffee maker, my old toaster, a rice cooker, a crock pot and my microwave oven; so, I was still operational. I then added to my collection of small appliances by purchasing a single electric burner (called a fifth burner) from the hardware store in town, and a very handy (energy efficient) electric skillet (that actually bakes breads, pies and muffins, too). Then, I made a counter top where the stove had been and built a couple of shelves under that where I could store my little appliances. I have all kinds of space now, and my tiny kitchen looks light and airy. 

      My goal is to eventually get rid of all my large appliances as they wear out instead of replacing them, saving me some dough, and challenging me to do something more innovative to maintain domestic order. Why put up with an appliance that will probably expire with the warranty, or require costly maintenance. With today’s stagnant wages and high cost of housing, life is already a struggle, so do something different, something simpler. Keep in mind my method is a lot easier to implement with only a cat to consider. Family members can push back with resistance to changes in domestic comfort that require them adjust to living without a stove or washing machine, and “where’s the dishwasher?” I can hear it now. How about going without a refrigerator! Whoa!!  I haven’t figured that one out yet -  but I will. In the meantime, I will continue to simplify my life, which includes finding ways to conserve energy and water by being mindful of what I consume and living lightly upon the earth. 

     So, as my cat continues to smugly outlive my appliances, I find that I feel very good about freeing myself of dependence on these modern 'conveniences' with one-year warranties. There’s a new world erupting out of this chaos and, for a lot of us, a simpler life may be the answer to surviving it.

“Other essays by Sally Marshall can be found at TheLighthousePeddler.com. You can purchase her book, “Are You Still Hip?” by contacting Wind & Water Studio, PO Box 284, Prairie du Chien, WI 53821 Phone: 608-326-0542”